My bush is a full, Amazonian chaparral. It is a coppice of
mystery and wonder.
My pubis lies untouched by wax and razor and only the fairest may
enter my dingly-dell.
I, ladies and gentlemen, do not
shave my pubes. What’s more, I wholeheartedly and thoroughly recommend it. Certainly,
the occasional trim might be in order, but is there really a need to go ripping
out your whole hinterland? Not in my experience.
Many moons ago, I did try. I
went through six months of waxing and completely clearing my under-thicket. No
strips, no Brazilians, just go bare or go home. Bear in mind that, as a
sex-worker, I would have had several more tourists to my national park than the
average garden.
Do you know how many people noticed
it? Can you give me a rough estimate of how many men said ‘Golly gosh, I
appreciate such a smooth pasture?’ None. Zero. Nada. Absolutely no-one. In
fact, I got complaints. They had come to frolic in my Yosemite, and all they
got was a rather dull rock-garden.
I can’t say I wasn’t relieved. I’d
been through my fair share of razor rashes, ingrown hairs and weeks of
squirming on the seat of a Tube train in order to scratch it just right as the
hairs grew back. It was a constant inconvenience and discomfort and it was
boring. The whole process of doing it was boring. The sex was boring. The
regrowth was boring.
The only highlight was when, during
a wax, I got accidentally fingered by the beautician. Although that then
led to some severe thrush after the stray dollop of moisturiser sent my ph
balance into a tailspin.
So why has this torture been
inflicted on us? And by ‘us’, I don’t mean just women – although we do bear the
brunt of it. Men are feeling the need to go at their gonads too, but I can
see why – the myth that ‘It’ll make my junk look bigger’.
Yes, because we’re into you just
for your peen. That’s why we have taken up so much time on the internet
saying how much we luuuurve dick pics. No. Stop that.
Although at a family gathering, an
in-law cried out that he would be disgusted if a girl didn’t shave her pubes
off. I asked him how he could tell and he just said, ‘Well, on a date, I
ask ‘em. Are you shaved or what, love?’ This is a man who also thinks
albinos are some kind of camel – just so you know that’s the level we’re
dealing with.
A bit of genitalia topiary should
be a preference, not expected. And it certainly shouldn’t be the basis or
’make-or-break’ of any relationship. Your
partner needs to let you be in charge of your own pubic hair.
Here’s a quick run down why you should have a full
bush
1. Pubic hair
collects pheromones – those lovely little particles that announce
‘Hello! I’m ready for sex, please!’. And is it just me, or do they smell good
anyway? That lovely, musky scent that helps you remember what you were up to
last night.
2. They’re protection from
bacteria. Hairs draw up moisture and protect your genitalia from things like
thrush, and removing it leaves tiny open wounds that increase your chances of
abscesses and infections.
3. They increase sensation. At the
end of each follicle is a nerve ending, so when you gently brush or breath over
them, it gives you a tiny tingle to help stimulation.
4. They’re natural, they’re
supposed to be there. It’s a major hint from nature that, like pretty much all
the other nifty things in and around your body, they have a job to do. Whether
that job is warmth, cushioning, or just being a filter for picking out people
who want to degrade you by insisting they have a say in what you do with your
body hair.
5. If you’re in a sexual
relationship with someone who says things like, ‘The only hair I like is the
hair on your head,’ then you’re going out with a dickhead. Seriously. Do not
let them touch you. Do not give them the pleasure of your beautiful genitalia.
Grab your coat, leave, do not pass go and seriously consider charging them 25k for the pleasure of your company.
I think it’s also pertinent to
remember that the only reason why they’ve been eradicated from porn is probably
just due to camera angles. Once upon a time, a humble pornographer
realised as they were trying to get the perfect money-shot among flailing limbs
and sweaty buttocks that, if only those pesky pubes weren’t in the way, they
would get a better view. Fortunately, no one is thrusting a camera between
your legs. Sorry.
Obviously, some people have no say
in their pubic hair growth for various reasons, and I’m certainly not
ridiculing the sight of a bald mons pubis – just the effort and expectation
that goes into it. I’ve read far too many articles that say, ‘It defines
you as being a ‘Real Woman,’ which is a phrase that needs to die in a fire. It’s
basically up to you.
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